So here I sit. I cant read, I cant watch television. I cant watch movies. Everything I do seems pointless, meaningless. Its winter and I have no car so I cant go anywhere. I was offered my old job back but I cant take the risk of working again. I have little money but theres nothing I want to buy. I have one friend and all he wants to do is play board games. This is life now I guess.
Im reflecting on the last 20 years. I was and probably still am a little, an optomist. I tell myself "That wasnt so bad, right?" but then I remember.... and I say "Yes, that was bad". Its been a lot of ups and downs, and its been pretty even over all, which is not quite normal to have so much down. The first couple of years of this illness was Hell, and I spent a lot of time in bed trying to fight it. Then after about 4 years I was healthy enough to be "normal" though it wasnt normal, my power had been stripped and I was just waiting and wondering and wandering- I had no control over my choices really. Then I got really sick again and spent another year in bed, but I got up. I spent 2 to 3 years doing things and not really suffering badly but then a year of Hell came. I moved back to this city carrying all this Hell inside and shortly became sick again. The last three to four years have been really hard, probably the hardest- because while what I went through initially was insane and impossible, I actually went full on mental these past few years. The prolonged madness has been scarring. Deep wounds. Its taking a long time to heal, and there is always the next time it comes, only now I am afraid, actually fearing this. Before, because of my good nature, I could endure, but now I am too weak, and I am afraid.
Many great groups and thinkers have tried to resolve the question of Chaos. Religions and myth, philosophy and mysticism have worked to find a way to explain how to prevent or avoid it. It is the heart of the matter for these kinds of mystics. In the end it is an unquenchable fire that burns in our bodies and our world, and is the cause of much of what we do, and how we find our way to doing it. The hard Truth is that whenever there is life there is Chaos, for all free willed things make choices, choices that affect our actions and reactions, and we cannot dictate their action to prevent misunderstanding. Only when there is One Mind and we float along with what it experiences will we find security from having to make and be exposed to choice. Chaos will always exist, until then. So, uniting with the God is the desire, unless one enjoys playing in the fields of choice and Chaos. This wax and wane of existence with its joy and sorrow, choices, desires and responsibilities- that is all we have. The only thing standing in the way of Chaos is Law, and when the Law is Do What Thou Wilt, the whole thing becomes irrelevant.
You might ask yourself "With all of these options at controlling Chaos and defining Law, why don't we settle on one of them"? The Truth is that many do. We live in an age where we take Law from all corners, and some people are "by the book", but not all- for there are those that will Do What They Wilt as they go about things.
What does a mystic do in this world then? They seek to understand, and if they are really ambitious, they seek to declare new Law. I have no new Law except Do Not Obstruct. That is a very American ideal, for it allows us the liberty to do so long as we don't defy another persons liberty to do. It is about protecting your health and wealth. That was my only solution to Do What Thou Wilt. It is not "Be kind" but as anyone that investigates the result of kindness can tell you, being kind, wise, gentle- these things go a long way in avoiding Chaos- unless the person you are trying it on is out of bounds of reason, then you need to be a little more firm. That is typical Christianity.
There is no room for new Law. I think its all been discussed and revealed, only with each generation it is a new time to teach it.
One last thing: the Law of Liberty and the Laws of the Jews are at odds, because of the way they view women and people of alternative sexuality. There is also the want to deny the call of duty to the family. Who takes care of our elders if not the young?
Feeling healthy today. I don't often pay attention to myself, but I am learning to. Often I just accept whatever condition I am in, which is why I don't quite realize how sick I get. Part of what I see is that its because of this that I can endure, and find optimism. Today I feel well, its amazing to say. Not even reflecting in sadness today.
I was fucking ruined by the Gods. Theres no other explanation. Ruined for what reason? I do not know. Probably with the hope that I invent something new. In the end, all that happened was loss, and a chance to educate myself, which they stood against the whole time. I am so educated now, and I see that this task was not only unnecessary, but impossible.
Sometimes its hard being the strong one. Sometimes one finds that they have become weak. Then they have to sit and be watched after, and that role is difficult to adopt.
Ive spent a lot of time thinking about Chaos, it being the cause of misunderstanding, the actions of which also being the cause of suffering. Its an impossible beast, and one can only tame it in ones self, and not the world. They who are strong will get the right of way, and for them there is no Chaos until opposed. It would be nice to know Truth perfectly so as not to be opposed, but that is a difficult if not impossible idea. All kings believe they are on the side of right, and all kings fall.
If we measure this life according to something that all can agree is the best thought for how it should be done, we can defeat Chaos, but we cannot seem to agree. Freedom for all, Do not harm- these are the places to start looking. Honor your words and contracts. That seems to be the driving Truth of our society.
One really needs to examine Evil in order to decide how far the Devils powers extend. The Christians denounced a lot of activity, or restrained a lot of it, so that there would be more peace and order, but really, there is no Devil- no eternal opponent to humanity- but there are forces that encourage actions that withdraw us from restrained order. Lust is a great resource, and we obviously have things in our world that cause us hardship- this is necessary in the system as a whole; things like hunger and labor, competition, gameplay- natural things that we engage in, like animals. It is the result of our condition, and it is the result of a playful mind. These things could be considered to be Evil, but they make us hardy, for the elements are difficult to endure, and life is long, and our strength benefits our longevity. Good is simple enough: that which aids us, that which satisfies us, that which nourishes us. In the aforementioned things of Evil comes nourishment and satisfaction, invention, curiosity. Life on a global level requires these things.
I believe two probabilities. The first is that the highest entity became itself, and in becoming, formed life from the matter it came from. Nothing comes from nothing because there is always an eternal something, and if something came from nothing, then there is no origin and things just are. Still, something interacts with the nothing to create something. If this started with nothing, it became something, and forms the nothing into something. Aristotle's unmoved mover. Existence may be so infinite that we will never meet that creature.
True Will is not a mystical concept. In advancing through the grades, the initiate considers many choices and finds what they think is the proper course of action. Its not some magickal mystery thing waiting inside of you.
When it comes to the Abyss, the initiate must deposit everything into the cup of Babylon. This requires an end to wanting, an end to hope, and end to imagination. Essentially the initiate is so run down that they give up trying, because really, contemplation can be endless. Its a fools errand. When the magician is finished wanting and hoping, they gather their materials- all that they considered as they sought their True Will, and decides on the proper course, and should have it down to a concise statement. This will be their maxim.
The witch is silent because when you reveal your True Will you give away power, and people will then have a way to investigate your intentions and actions and hold you accountable, and lead you on a course that might actually be against your future Will. Do not reveal your Will. Another reason not to, is because the seeking magician that you encounter needs your mystery, for in mystery, there is potential, and the Abyss is all about examining potentials. It does a great disservice to other magicians to reveal.
Life is matter and intention. All we have is material substance, and the Will and want to act. I believe there is something within us that might be eternal and immortal, might be salvagable- but I do not know this for certain, and who could? In our growth we are exposed to forces outside of us, all the way into the supernatural worlds. These forces are also within us; hunger, desire, lust, curiosity, passion, zealotry. We also have actions we must attend to- because our environment demands that we fulfill obligations. I call this the choices between duty and desire, and we dont always pick the right thing. There is something supernatural that coerces us to desire, for it inspires us to get involved, to experience, to create and procreate. Some call this force the Devil, but really, if there were a Devil wanting to see the fall of mankind, dont you suppose he would be more able to see it happen? The same can be said about God- if God were so determined to make us think and do certain things, dont you think we would know directly? That is why I say that the reason for life is life itself- that God wanted us to exist, and so we do. In this existence are two Truths- liberty and power, and kindness. That is why Thelema says Do What Thou Wilt, Love is the Law. I see these two Truths as in opposition, and on the Tree of Life in Kabbalah, they are on opposite sides. One side is power, and what is power if it is chained? That is why total liberty is total power. And what is Love? It is kindness, for what we conventionally consider to be Good is that which aids us, and that which we consider to be Evil is that which opposes. Some say that opposition provides us with strength, and in a world with nature of this sort, we need to be hardy, sturdy and strong- but do we need such fierce opposition as some can be? No, and that is why the Devil is not real, because we are not so opposed. Love is indeed the Law, for when someone treats us poorly, we hate and avoid them, or fight- and in fighting there is loss, and in light of a greater Good- we want all to win. This life is contest because we cannot all agree on our Desire and Duty, for in this world there is not all fairness, but we are working on this end- that is what the Good people do. Human beings like to have purpose, they like to belong, and they like to be secure. We like to be satisfied, and we like to create. I believe that until a person feels these things to their satisfaction, that they will avoid participation in the Good cause of fairness. That is why we must encourage opportunity, and part of ensuring opportunity is liberty. Somewhere in all of this is the correct balance; between our wants and our needs, our obligations and our freedom, and in our creativity and our contribution.