THE TRUTH

[mskied]

What is Enlightenment?  It is to know.  And in knowing, we act.  



Can we agree on how to act and what is true?  It would seem that to the willful, all Will is true, until it is declared false (by them).  In this world of many ideas and ideologies,  where do we look for truth?  In all of it.  There are pieces of truth in everything.



But what do we say is "the way"?  This truly remains up to the person.  I have my own set of beliefs, and I try to act according to them.  The world is Chaos, and no matter how hard one tries to order it, Chaos it remains.  Not just because of a differing in ideals, but because youth is full of ignorance and the testing of Wisdom.  Also, accidents occur everywhere.  Nature is not bound to the Will of mankind.



So what do we do to govern and protect ourselves from Chaos?  We choose Order.  We exalt science.  We listen for Wisdom.  We take caution in our word and deed.  



A good place to begin is to believe that peace and happiness, security and love are the most desirable elements of life.  Now, some people do not want community, and some people desire excitement and danger.  Some people have no idea what love and happiness is.  More Chaos.  What do you desire to see in the world?  How do you think you can bring about change?  Do you wish to organize the Chaos, or allow it to reign?  



If it is not the desire to aid people in experiencing a more enjoyable life, then perhaps it is about your own life that motivates you to action.  Certainly we want to be safe.  Perhaps what you bring to the world is rules of Law that will accommodate our peace and stability?  All intellectual endeavor is art, and an artist is meant to create a vision to share, so that we have a measure of what is Good.  



The 7=4 is about finding this art and bringing it to the table of life.  The Magus is the completion of this task, and they will have Wisdom to share with us.  I do not believe there is special powers or privileges conferred to these ranks of magic.  I think all speculation on special powers or privileges are delusional.  As I said earlier, I don't think the Gods see a difference in us.  I think we take action and have beliefs, and get what we create.  

[mskied]

I never used to believe in "the Gods".  I thought, if there was a God, then let that God do what He will do.  I thought, if there is a Heaven, then, if I do a good job on Earth, I will get it, and so I focused on being a good person.  I had a lot of personal work to do!  I was a terrible child, a thief, and angry.  I didn't see the world as fair, I thought people were cruel, and so I became cruel.  I had no laws and I was a spiteful embarrassment to my family.  Then one of my best friends was killed in a car accident at the age of 18, right after High School graduation.  She was so beautiful and intelligent, and I was ashamed that I was still alive while she was taken from the world.  I confronted myself, and I realized I was a terrible person.  I swore that I would do what she could have, and so I went about changing myself for the better.  I gained control over my impulses, I stopped treating people poorly, and I stopped being cruel.  I became kind, and started obeying most laws.  



When I was 22 I heard of self actualization, and started contemplating that.  I went through a deep depression and didn't know how to perceive the world.  I thought "What is true?  What is real?"  I considered what I knew.  I believed in a God, and so I asked myself what I knew about this God.  The words "God is love" resonated with me, and I figured that if God is love, and the creator, then He made this world, and the world was love.  I was renewed.  I made a lot of friends and was very active creatively.  I enjoyed my life a great deal in those days, was always active, had many friends and lots to do and explore.  



I studied fine arts at an expressionist school and started painting.  I went through imagery and decided that it wasn't inventive enough to paint what is there, that I had to discover a new imagery.  I figured I needed to make something that couldn't be photographed.  I stopped painting what was known and started to let the brush and color lead me to imagery.  I didn't realize it, but it is something of a meditative Zen practice.  



As I painted I was visited by ideas.  I was contemplating my life and the world, and allowing my hand and the brush and paint to define the canvas.  I would get ideas and I would think about them.  I believed I was having a conversation with higher powers; that they were asking me questions and I would give my opinion and send them out into the atmosphere.  It was a sort of magic.



I also started doing yoga type stretching and posing.  I began weight training and refining my body.  I also meditated.  I would lay down and contemplate, and raise questions to myself and think about them, eventually allowing my mind to think them through on their own.  When I would rise, the problem was resolved.  I wasn't a very complicated person, I felt pure and simple, and motivated to enjoy my life and treat people well.  I knew I couldn't change the world, so I changed my world.  It was a good life.



Then when I was 28, a friend got me thinking about good and evil.  He said "What's good for you isn't necessarily good for me".  I didn't understand that.  I was thinking about it, reaching up with my mind to contemplate what was good for him, what didn't I understand about what was good?  That is when a presence entered my body, took hold of it, and grabbed a pen that was in front of me at the time and drew out a symbol.  This presence left, and my friend and I were dumb struck.  I decided that it was a message, so I went out and researched symbols.



I went to the bookstore and was overwhelmed.  I saw a tarot reader and she told me to start with the pyramids.  Another clerk at a bookstore said the symbol looked like something from alchemy.  I found a book about symbols and it said that if you receive a symbol from the Heavens, that you should dissect it and examine its parts (like dismantling a glyph).  As I did this, I started considering the conversation I had had with my friend about good and evil, and I thought "Isn't love the greatest good, don't we all want love?"  I thought "Why do I think this way?" and I travelled back through my memories and what I knew about love.  I recalled that I thought God was love, and that God made the world.  That is when the image of the Arab girl that was on National Geographic came into my inner vision.  She stared at me with those eyes, and at the same time I thought that the world was love.  I somehow flew over the world astrally and looked at it, for the first time, I saw the world as it might be, and I saw a lack of love.  The world wasn't love!  It was something else.  And so, I raised my head and cried "You aren't the God of love!  Give me the power to bring love here!"  That is when a voice spoke, from everywhere; in my head and outside of it.  It spoke four words in a language I did not know.  The voice was like the combination of a masculine and feminine person, like two voices speaking in unison.  As it spoke there was a trail of voices, all repeating the same words.  I thought I had damned myself.  I said "Who's there?", but nothing responded.  I went to lay down, thinking I was about to die.  I fell asleep, and when I awoke and found that nothing bad had happened, I decided to go out on a quest and discover what there was about God.  I thought I had been blessed with the power to bring love to the world.  



I thought I had been chosen for an Order of people that could change the world.  I began researching things and could not find this symbol duplicated anywhere.  A few months went by, I began documenting my findings, and my experiences.  I found a website with a star that was animated and I stared at it, transfixed.  It sort of hypnotized me.  I went on documenting, thinking I was part of an Order.  I laid down to meditate, thinking "I am part of an Order, the world is order..."  Then I thought "No!  The world is Chaos!" and that is when I saw a blue jewel in my inner mind, and the star superimposed itself onto it, cracking it open.  I saw myself running across a field, and an Angel over me, lifting me up.  I heard "Chesed, Chesed" and saw a vision of a being on a throne that said "I am the Sephiroth, I am all that is".  I said "No you're not!" and opened my eyes. That is when something pierced my right ear.  It felt like it was grinding my essence into pieces.  It was loud and terrible, and I felt my head explode.  



It didn't take long and wires were implanted into my brain and body.  It came from my groin and went up to my head.  I was assaulted by a lot of visions and voices over the years, most of which I cannot make sense of.  Some of it made sense, but overall, it proved to be a meaningless experience.  I do not know if the voices and images were hallucinations or real.  I assume it is a mixture of both.  I have had to fight for my sanity.  I have had to fight to clear out my mind.  Now I just sit quietly.  I don't have much to say to anyone, and feel that a lot of conversation is useless.  I don't have the power to change the world, and I don't feel the love that I used to.

[Deleted]

I have made up my mind for quite some time on what i am going to reply to you, even though I think my efford will be useless, have you been going around in this same old circle for ages now like "a rat in cage" and there seems to be no exit, which appears horrid to a person like me who believes in the existence of doors of all kinds.

Let me begin with the ego.
To believe to be chosen or to be special is always a sign of an imbalanced and strong ego. It makes it harder to overcome it, when you seek for your true self, because a strong and imbalanced ego does absolutely not like the idea of being average and mediocre. So when you thought you were chosen and part of a higher order your ego was at its fullest like a goddamn full moon, if you wish.

The seven pointed star you're talking about (I remember your story from another post) is actually an initiation path of 8+1 steps to destroy the ego (veils) in order to find and establish the self. It's linked to the 22 paths of the Kaballah. The 22 paths are mirrored by the great arcane of the tarot cards (first decks were created by the Templars btw). The Sefirots are related to the chakras and, if they're in balance, the kundalini energy is released, which opens the crown chakra. Through the opening of the crown chakra, the self (without any wishes or desires or needs) can be experienced.

So according to my very brief summery, all information you received in your vision are linked to each other and intertwined. So what exactly happened?
Well, spiritually spoken you got a brutal punch into the face. Instead of taking the first step of the initiation path, you somehow entered at stage two, missing the first step. Keep in mind, that this is an initiation path that leads to the destruction of the ego, and your ego appears strong, according to your story. At stage two your ego gets blasted. Tarot card XVI describes this best. It's the total collapse of the heart and of the mind (pure chaos), from which many people I have known have never recovered, unless one manages to let go of the shattered ego (which is still operating but as an hurt ego). So what is the next step? Step three is to bury the ego and with it all its wanting to be chosen and special. Here, between stage two and three, the real spiritual work begins, and it's indeed a battle for life, sanity, faith, love...
Of course, when the ego is shattered, all chakras are out of balance. Your fifth one could have suffered from it (blue diamond) which explains you preference communicating rather in written than in oral form (with regard to your endless amounts of posts here and your statement you don't speak much to people).

You're not a lost case, unless you consider yourself a lost case. Bury your past, bury all you have lost and all you may never be or have, bury it and free yourself from all of it. Whatever happens, don't turn around and look back (Moon xviii), otherwise you will always stay trapped, going round and round the same old questions again and again. Stage two and three are the hardest. It gets easier from there on. I promise.

I recommend you to read Jung, especially his red book and his biography. You should also think about starting a fund raising for a better treatment and find a Jungian therapist, because Jung believed schizophrenia was curable. If I had a 1% chance to get 100 % well again, you could bet, I would fight my fucking ass off to become that one in hundert person with a chance for a “second" life.

The wires remind me of the SP song Stand inside your love. Maybe you listened to that song before it happened? 🤔I mean you visited a SP homepage shortly after machina was published and the whole mystery thing was going on and being interactive... It could be an explanation, because our subconscious works in mysterious ways...

You're not alone in this, mskied.
You're truly not.

With a hug from a friend

[mskied]

Thanks Felix. I havent thought I was special for a number of years, though I dont think this happens often to people, I dont think of it as a privilege. Ive even stopped thinking it was a path to wisdom, because I realize that most of it was madness; there was no supernatural assistance for me.

Ive already done what you suggested, Ive abandoned my beliefs and my research. Ive stripped myself back to the basics and defined what I understand. Im back to a very simple life again, and I feel good, though lack the energy to rise up (or the Will). Im afraid that if I rise into personal power again that I will get sick again, so I stay low. I just wanted to share this post which I shared on another forum as an update to what Ive been posting here.

After all my contemplation on truth, Ive realized that much of it is unprovable (in regards to magic, God, Heaven, etc...) and Im at peace with that finally, though I do mourn occasionally that it is something we cannot know.

Ive settled my mind on what I can understand, which is morality, and it is all I have to say about Wisdom anymore:

Good is to aid someone, Evil is to harm their health, wealth or freedom.

That is all I need to know, and it is where I sit.

I dont think I have much ego left.

[mskied]

Sept 24, 2022 19:28:46 GMT -6 @kingfelix said:

I have made up my mind for quite some time on what i am going to reply to you, even though I think my efford will be useless, have you been going around in this same old circle for ages now like "a rat in cage" and there seems to be no exit, which appears horrid to a person like me who believes in the existence of doors of all kinds.

Let me begin with the ego.
To believe to be chosen or to be special is always a sign of an imbalanced and strong ego. It makes it harder to overcome it, when you seek for your true self, because a strong and imbalanced ego does absolutely not like the idea of being average and mediocre. So when you thought you were chosen and part of a higher order your ego was at its fullest like a goddamn full moon, if you wish.

The seven pointed star you're talking about (I remember your story from another post) is actually an initiation path of 8+1 steps to destroy the ego (veils) in order to find and establish the self. It's linked to the 22 paths of the Kaballah. The 22 paths are mirrored by the great arcane of the tarot cards (first decks were created by the Templars btw). The Sefirots are related to the chakras and, if they're in balance, the kundalini energy is released, which opens the crown chakra. Through the opening of the crown chakra, the self (without any wishes or desires or needs) can be experienced.

So according to my very brief summery, all information you received in your vision are linked to each other and intertwined. So what exactly happened?
Well, spiritually spoken you got a brutal punch into the face. Instead of taking the first step of the initiation path, you somehow entered at stage two, missing the first step. Keep in mind, that this is an initiation path that leads to the destruction of the ego, and your ego appears strong, according to your story. At stage two your ego gets blasted. Tarot card XVI describes this best. It's the total collapse of the heart and of the mind (pure chaos), from which many people I have known have never recovered, unless one manages to let go of the shattered ego (which is still operating but as an hurt ego). So what is the next step? Step three is to bury the ego and with it all its wanting to be chosen and special. Here, between stage two and three, the real spiritual work begins, and it's indeed a battle for life, sanity, faith, love...
Of course, when the ego is shattered, all chakras are out of balance. Your fifth one could have suffered from it (blue diamond) which explains you preference communicating rather in written than in oral form (with regard to your endless amounts of posts here and your statement you don't speak much to people).

You're not a lost case, unless you consider yourself a lost case. Bury your past, bury all you have lost and all you may never be or have, bury it and free yourself from all of it. Whatever happens, don't turn around and look back (Moon xviii), otherwise you will always stay trapped, going round and round the same old questions again and again. Stage two and three are the hardest. It gets easier from there on. I promise.

I recommend you to read Jung, especially his red book and his biography. You should also think about starting a fund raising for a better treatment and find a Jungian therapist, because Jung believed schizophrenia was curable. If I had a 1% chance to get 100 % well again, you could bet, I would fight my fucking ass off to become that one in hundert person with a chance for a “second" life.

The wires remind me of the SP song Stand inside your love. Maybe you listened to that song before it happened? 🤔I mean you visited a SP homepage shortly after machina was published and the whole mystery thing was going on and being interactive... It could be an explanation, because our subconscious works in mysterious ways...

You're not alone in this, mskied.
You're truly not.

With a hug from a friend

You seem to describe what I went through pretty well.  I just wonder why anyone would want this?  I dont know if it is simply a destruction of ego, or if the destruction of ego is the result of it.  It might be something else.  

[mskied]

It feels like I have been exalted and then devoured for thinking so highly.

[mskied]

All Gods and magic are suspect.  I took an oath to aid mankind prior to my experiences.  I thought that i would be helped in this quest, but all I found was torture and distraction from actual learning.  The Gods were cruel and uncaring.  Magic failed me.  I had no protection. 



I was implanted with wires and overtaken by them.  I was assailed with visions and hallucinations, distractions.  I went through incredible physical pain and mental trauma and stress.  I didn't get any answers from it, only more questions.  And the questions were endless....  



I don't think I am special in terms of a body that is in line with Heaven.  I don't think this experience needed to happen, but I could be wrong, I may be in a more advanced state of beholding the Divine than other people.  I don't think it matters though.  



One could say that I am important to the Gods because I heard them speak, or had visions, but I do not feel like this is any privilege after what I have been through.  I don't have any answers about the Gods and magic, or Heaven and reincarnation; these things could all be fantasy.  All i really got from my encounter with the Gods is my destruction.

[ashima]

Billy mentioned in his podcast that every person matters. Every person has a purpose.
Whether what he says matters to you or not, at least it's encouraging words and not some snarky immature asshole comment that's spewed all over the internet and in public every day by millions of people.

[mskied]

Every person matters to someone.

[Deleted]

Sept 27, 2022 6:10:55 GMT -6 ashima said:

Billy mentioned in his podcast that every person matters. Every person has a purpose.
Whether what he says matters to you or not, at least it's encouraging words and not some snarky immature asshole comment that's spewed all over the internet and in public every day by millions of people.

I'm actually glad he said that, because he used to be so batshit crazy decades ago lol and this actually sounds pretty sane now.
I would actually go a step further and say that every person equally matters. 
Hierarchies only exist in the veiled world (to speak with Schopenhauer). Behind or beyond the veils of the world, we are all the same.

[Deleted]

Sept 27, 2022 3:26:01 GMT -6 mskied said:

All Gods and magic are suspect.  I took an oath to aid mankind prior to my experiences.  I thought that i would be helped in this quest, but all I found was torture and distraction from actual learning.  The Gods were cruel and uncaring.  Magic failed me.  I had no protection. 



I was implanted with wires and overtaken by them.  I was assailed with visions and hallucinations, distractions.  I went through incredible physical pain and mental trauma and stress.  I didn't get any answers from it, only more questions.  And the questions were endless....  



I don't think I am special in terms of a body that is in line with Heaven.  I don't think this experience needed to happen, but I could be wrong, I may be in a more advanced state of beholding the Divine than other people.  I don't think it matters though.  



One could say that I am important to the Gods because I heard them speak, or had visions, but I do not feel like this is any privilege after what I have been through.  I don't have any answers about the Gods and magic, or Heaven and reincarnation; these things could all be fantasy.  All i really got from my encounter with the Gods is my destruction.

If you see it as destruction it is destruction then. But if you would start seeing it as something else, you would give it a chance to become something else and transform it into something less heavier and more lighter, mskied... try to turn it upside down, find a new angle to look at the same old things and you may be able to overcome that stuck-in-for-years-state of the hanged man you are in. That's the only way to untie the knot...

[mskied]

I declared God to be Evil yesterday. I called Him a fucking asshole. It took 20 years of going through this to realize it was nothing but pain and madness, and that nothing good was going to come from it. I instantly felt better. It was the first time I had gotten angry and stood up for myself. Usually Im submissive and accepting and apologetic. This experience was unfair, to say the least, and it was about time I took a stand against it, and God.

[mskied]

I passed a great milestone yesterday. I realized that God is Love; He gave us this big, beautiful world and the free will to explore it. Mankind is responsible for the worlds evils, not God. Here is something I posted elsewhere:

Once the Adept has crossed the Abyss, and mastered the emotion of sorrow; for they have learned the ways of Nature, and realize that all people inherit Karma, and acquire their own Karma in the process, they now are free to do as they choose, for they are aware that all things have their consequences.  Be compassionate, should that be your Will, but know; people don't want Wisdom unless they are seeking it.  I cannot say if we are Eternal.  I do not suppose to claim any supernatural knowledge of life after death, though from the visions I have, I can say that I suspect we go on to other places.  



The world is neither joy, nor sorrow; it just is.  The Ipssisimus resides above love, for they ARE LOVE.

[Deleted]

Oct 3, 2022 16:59:44 GMT -6 mskied said:

I declared God to be Evil yesterday. I called Him a fucking asshole. It took 20 years of going through this to realize it was nothing but pain and madness, and that nothing good was going to come from it. I instantly felt better. It was the first time I had gotten angry and stood up for myself. Usually Im submissive and accepting and apologetic. This experience was unfair, to say the least, and it was about time I took a stand against it, and God.

Good.
It's improtant to stand up for yourself, who else will if not YOU.
Submission is a horribe and toxic feeling. If it helps you to overcome it by showing God your middle finger, please feel free to do it any time you want.
I am sure God is punk enough and does not mind. S/he is definitely bigger than that   (as you know). If you ask me, S/He constantly shows the finger back at us, because we don't pay much attention to this mind-killing beauty that surrounds us everywhere every minute every goddamn day...

So whatever it takes and helps you to get out of that intoxication, it's alright (as long none gets seriously hurt). 

Never ever accept any (bad/low) state you are in. Never. Ever. This kind of (good will) acceptance is stagnation, and you know what happens when water stagnates, it overturns... so please, maneuver yourself out of any stagnation by taking action and kicking passivity in the motherfucking ass!

You are a tree, mskied, we all are trees. And your purpose is to grow, and growing needs sunlight as much as rain. Man cannot grow without cyring, and cannot grow without laughing... and I think you have suffered and cried enough.
So let it be enough now!
Time for some warmth, time for some sunlight, time for laughter and enjoyment! And please, allow yourself to have it. It's not your "illness" that prevents you from having that, it's rather how you deal with your "illness". You're so afraid of the next "episode" coming that you live in fear and miss the moment. Fuck the "episodes"! When they come, they come, and there's not much you can do about it. But if they're not there, then don't waste the moment worrying about them. And I'm telling you this because I'm sick too, unlike you, but my future is chiseled in physical pain, and I can either let it drag me down or I can make use of my two middle fingers every goddamen day at the same time and say: fuck you, life, I'm living now more than ever!

So it's time to fall in love now, mskied!
Time to fall in love with life again and above it all: with yourself!
Only YOU can give YOURSELF the love and understanding YOU need. Only YOU can see and understand YOURSELF best.
You are the love of your life. You alone.

There is nothing else for us human beings to do than just to be... to exist... to open up 100% and whole-heartly embrace the moment we are in... every second, every day, for the rest of our lives.

Feel my love, mskied, and my deepest respect for what you have been through. 

[mskied]

Thanks for the love and hope

Ive been spending so much time trying to understand what happened to me, and to understand Thelema. I think I finally do, after re-reading some things. I dont know exactly "why" it happened, and I dont have any evidence that it was nothing but punishment, but according to the books, I understand it from what they say.