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Post by ashima on Mar 3, 2021 7:00:07 GMT -6
The despair has lessened over the past days. I find that if I dont talk to God, I dont have despair. Im pretty steady nowadays, but my head is still sort of wound up. I find that I no longer have anything I need to share. There is no part of me that is dying to be understood. This makes bonding harder. Sharing is a choice made. So you choose not to share about yourself because you dont feel a need to. Ok, do you want to? No? Ok, that's fine. Your choice. Does it make a difference whether you do or don't share? |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2021 14:44:17 GMT -6
Careful, Ashima. It is not always easy to share thoughts or feelings for different reasons or to open up, especially when depressions are involved.
I mean the subject of this post is "facing death" which says more than a million words, doesn't it?
I wish all the people I lost to suicide had sent me those two words beforehand. Maybe it would have made a difference... but they never said a fuckin' word!
As Telegenix is about "facing death", it finds a very good place here:
God bless!
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Post by ashima on Mar 3, 2021 15:57:30 GMT -6
Asking questions is not a bad thing. Of course there are people who don't like questions. Maybe a question can spark some inner dialogue for someone else to gain some kind of clarity or answer. My questions to mskied were not meant in a negative way.
The song shared because that's what I was listening to while typing that up. It is more fitting in that artwork thread discussion.
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Post by mskied on Mar 3, 2021 17:28:09 GMT -6
Well, I demanded that the Gods kill me, finish me off. I said they should, since I realize that Ive been nothing but a pawn in their game, a plaything- that all of my psychosis has been drivel. They but off the top of my head, put wires in my brain and body, sliced me to pieces... why? It makes no sense. Morality is easy, and life is easy when you understand it, and while I didnt put it into words, I knew what it was. I didnt need to explore all the worlds of the occult to learn these things, didnt need to speculate on aliens and technology, didnt need to question a God that we do not see or hear, didnt need to worry about after life and death. I started hallucinating again in 2015 and its been on and off until september and august of last year when it finally got so bad that I was in immense pain and terrified. Then in October it let me go sort of, and I have spent the past five months in bed recovering, lowering my thoughts, trying to stay meditative. Its been depressing and I was very suicidal, but now I think I am at a level that compares to most healthy people, except that physically I am weak. I still need to keep my thoughts low and not be creative, because raising my thoughts into the realm of ideas is what starts the hallucinations and leads to the horrible things. Can you imagine spending five months in pain trying to overcome something like this? I am so grateful I can afford to do this, Id be dead on the street otherwise. I just pray I can maintain this level of meditation to avoid further madness, and I hope that I heal and can get healthy enough to be active again.
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Post by mskied on Mar 4, 2021 1:10:43 GMT -6
Im happy today. I have all the answers I need.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2021 13:49:43 GMT -6
Asking questions is not a bad thing. Of course there are people who don't like questions. Maybe a question can spark some inner dialogue for someone else to gain some kind of clarity or answer. My questions to mskied were not meant in a negative way. The song shared because that's what I was listening to while typing that up. It is more fitting in that artwork thread discussion. God bless! I think I am tiptoeing over eggshells, am I? lol Maybe I am just overly careful when it comes to a topic like this. But better to tiptoe around once too often than once too little... please, forgive my concern a little... Are we cool? |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2021 14:01:43 GMT -6
Im happy today. I have all the answers I need. I wish you all the happiness in the world, mskied. Every day. If I can contribute a small fraction to make you feel good, I will be very happy to do so. That's what we're on this planet for, isn't it? To pick each other up, to support each other, to walk a bit of the way together and to give each other the best in this shared period of time. God bless! |
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Post by mskied on Mar 4, 2021 19:07:39 GMT -6
I cant believe I was in so much pain that I was thinking about suicide. Im too old for this shit
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Post by ashima on Mar 6, 2021 7:20:24 GMT -6
Asking questions is not a bad thing. Of course there are people who don't like questions. Maybe a question can spark some inner dialogue for someone else to gain some kind of clarity or answer. My questions to mskied were not meant in a negative way. The song shared because that's what I was listening to while typing that up. It is more fitting in that artwork thread discussion. God bless! I think I am tiptoeing over eggshells, am I? lol Maybe I am just overly careful when it comes to a topic like this. But better to tiptoe around once too often than once too little... please, forgive my concern a little... Are we cool? we as people who type or use talk to text can take something said 100% the wrong way and make assumptions too easily. It's 1 of the major problems with social media. We're cool |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2021 8:04:58 GMT -6
God bless! I think I am tiptoeing over eggshells, am I? lol Maybe I am just overly careful when it comes to a topic like this. But better to tiptoe around once too often than once too little... please, forgive my concern a little... Are we cool? we as people who type or use talk to text can take something said 100% the wrong way and make assumptions too easily. It's 1 of the major problems with social media. We're cool I totally agree to that. God bless! |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2021 8:25:37 GMT -6
I cant believe I was in so much pain that I was thinking about suicide. Im too old for this shit well, it's very good to hear you saying that, but I fear, suicide has nothing to do with age. Cornell hung himself at an age of 52, Hemingway shot himself at 61. Age does not protect you from falling into a black hole, unfortunately. I wish it would, but it doesn't. Neither does love. |
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Post by mskied on Mar 7, 2021 19:43:16 GMT -6
Its hard to adjust to feeling like living when youve spent months in bed waiting for death. Then you look around and see what life can be and it causes anxiety in me. Im very withdrawn. My friend came over last night and was so alive and on fire and when he left it had me in a mini breakdown trying to process all that he said. I had to take extra medicine to calm myself down.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2021 9:43:47 GMT -6
Its hard to adjust to feeling like living when youve spent months in bed waiting for death. Then you look around and see what life can be and it causes anxiety in me. Im very withdrawn. My friend came over last night and was so alive and on fire and when he left it had me in a mini breakdown trying to process all that he said. I had to take extra medicine to calm myself down. Actually, I can relate to your post very much. I remember a time where a kind of glass wall was between me and the outside world. I could look out, some could look in, but I couldn't break through the thick glass to join the easy-going life taking place on the other side of it. I was surrounded by so many amazing people, but felt very isolated and lonely at that time, imprisoned in winter. I failed so many times to overcome that wall (think of Pink Floyd, if you want), until I noticed that the glass actually was not glass but ice and that it could be slowley melted down by the warmth of the sun... and so I wrote in huge capital letters I WANT THE SUN! on the opposite wall of my bed, so that I could see and be reminded of it all the time, when laying in my bed and listening to the following song over and over and over and over and over and over and over again... for days, weeks, months... "can't you see that there's a world out there? Don't be scared"... There is hope, mskied! Let there be hope! God bless! |
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Post by mskied on Mar 8, 2021 14:48:45 GMT -6
Thanks. Placebo was such a great band. No one sings like him!
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Post by mskied on Mar 11, 2021 5:25:34 GMT -6
All my life Ive been a depressive. I always knew I was a fatalist, but it wasnt until last year that I admitted to myself that I was a nihilist as a child. Then today I started really examining my mindset over the years and I realize that at a very young age I decided I didnt want to live. These thoughts affect future choices, and so I became a depressive fatalist who denounced everything. It wasnt until I was 26 years old and started to exercise that I started finding happiness. I always wanted love, and could never find it or understand the love I had, which is part of my depression, I think. So when I started getting fit and feeling attractive and having success in love, I started becoming happier. I never needed much, just love (I was one of those love is all you need sorts). Then three years later I got touched by God to examine good and evil, and life in general. I always figured "God is love, God made the world, the world is love" but then I had to admit that the world was not love, it was a lot of complicated other things, and a lot of it wasnt love. So I naively blurted out "Youre not the God of love, give me the power to bring love here!" and I heard a voice. I knew right away, after the initial shock wore off, that I made a mistake. A few months later I got invaded by some thing in my mind and slowly started going insane.
In reflection I admit that God is love, and I always believed this- it was just that my scheme was flawed- God did make the world, and God is loving, but the world is more than love, and that is where I made my error. I was naive- I belived that everyone had each others backs, that we all wanted good for one another. I had eliminated things like jealousy and resentment and fear from my personality- but others havent, and that causes a lot of their actions. There is also economics of things, and failure to share. Of course, there are people who will outright thwart your development. Its not Gods fault, its our Sin.
So now I am stable, my mental diseases have silenced mostly. I am not able to do a lot of things, but I am content with that. I dont need to escape and I dont need a lot, and I am grateful to know this. I wish it were different, as I had ambitions once, but due to my illness I am not able to do anything. I have to keep my thoughts still and low, and not be creative, imaginitative or curious. Some would say I am depressed, but I am not sad right now, and I am not complaining about my state. Im just simply slow and low.
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