Poetry has long been absent in my life. There was a time when it wasnt, but that time is over I think. Now I have everything tied up in simple statements of observation and I leave it at the door. My latest statement is "The drama of a devouring Universe". It brings me peace to know that I see life on its scale and let it be. Its not very involved, and it certainly doesnt come with compassion or will to fight; its just me saying "Hey, everything consumes, and on our way to consumption we experience trials". Its simple, but I like simple. When this life of consumption is over it will be consumed, and if there is any place to go after that, we shall see.
Nature can be violent. Animals like to kill and steal and eat each other. Man has the opportunity to rise above this though, because we have minds. God, being the greatest mind of all, should also be the most gentle of all souls, yet, why would God make nature violent if He was so gentle?
I'd write more if I used my laptop Almost used it today. I don't even feel like talking about what is going on or writing a poem because it certainly isn't helping and hasn't. It's out of my hands, but that doesn't take away the sadness. One, the other, or both are using heroin. I don't want to see what happens.
My son or his baby's mother. He was trying to message me to say if anything happens to him and gave names. I called him talked for nearly 3 hours. He said he found a heroin cap in his car and brought it into the kitchen to ask his baby's mother about it. He says he would not ever do that because percocets are his thing. But, idk to believe that considering everything that has transpired the past month. They both need treatment and therapy. I've tried to get child protective services involved back in July, but they would not take the case. Can only hope and pray they seek help. He went to visit my mom last night and borrow money for gas, baby wipes, and a couple other things. I asked her if she gave him $ she said no. I don't believe her. I called her after he left and was letting her know what he was saying in the morning when I talked to him. She's enabling, likely not really realizing it and I said don't give him any money. She's almost 70. She doesn't need that kind of manipulation again. Both my brothers have done that to her when they used drugs back in the day. She has the feel sorry for them and enables. My mother admitted casually in conversation this summer that her father molested her. I had asked her many times over the years when that has been brought up. She always said No he didn't do that to her, just to her sisters. Looking back on childhood and her lack of giving hugs makes sense now. She's aged a lot and her saying that made me think about how elderly start to talk about things to get them off their chest before they pass away at some point. Yes, this shit makes gives me anxiety at times. Usually I'm pretty ok overall until she calls me or my son calls me. Their energy/vibe/tone gives me anxiety and can leave me feeling drained when I speak to either of them. I love them, and it's more healthy for my wellbeing to have less contact with them. Sad to say, but that's what I notice regarding my anxiety levels and talking or being around them. It's overwhelming
I am aware this is all out of my hands. I did give my son a number to someone he could talk to. He said he would. Of course I take that with a grain of salt. I told my son I'm not the most qualified person to talk to because I'm the parent, not a therapist. Been repeating the same conversations with him over and over. I point that out every time and even have said it will not change until he makes a decision to get sober. The irritating part is the excuses. I'm tired of hearing them. He says he has to take care of some things and make sure he's good before he goes to any treatment. At least he's aware of the problem. I did explain that things wont be good until he seeks the proper help to get his life on track again. And then there's the "ugh" that comes out of my mother's mouth practically every sentence she speaks about anyone, situations, weather, news lately for the past year or so. It's rather odd as she used to never do that. She disgusted with what everyone says, does etc? Idk
I really am getting exhausted from family members. The less I engage with them the more peace I have. Which makes me have less anxiety, less stress and that's a good thing for me and my other children. My mother has depression Both my brother's are addicts (yes even when they arent using they are still an addict). One is also an alcoholic. My oldest son is an addict. I'm the oddball here and just taking it one day at a time. I just dont even know what to think about the journey of life at this time. It's really baffling me.
The thing about addiction is, they have to hit a bottom in order to face their truth. Problem is sometimes that bottom isnt easy to come back from. Arrest, homelessness, OD, something really devastating. Otherwise they think they can get away with it.
Had a conversation with him about treatment. He knows he should go, but makes any excuse to not go. He's basically homeless now. My mother wants to talk about him (she wants the update & gossip about others, but I cant because I'm trying to take care of my own well being. Sometimes family are not the right people to talk to about this because it adds to my stress. She doesn't seem to understand when I say I don't want to discuss that or hear gossip about other family. She said she called to ask if I heard anything from my son, then more questions and shit that I dont have the answer to. It's a bit ridiculous to ask me what he's going to do when I said he will die if he doesn't go to treatment. It's like she wanted me to tell her about my whole conversation with him today. I dont have it in me to talk to her about it as I am trying my best to accept there's nothing I can do to. She takes the information and calls my brother to get him upset. He's been through treatment. It's very hard to be strong all the time. I cry sometimes because it is sad to see the downward spiral of this goddamn drug and what it has done to my son. It's been a trying day. I'm also trying to stay less stressed as it takes away from me having a productive and decent day and parent to my other 2 children. They shouldn't see their mother cry, but they do sometimes.
Im so sorry you have to go through that. Its bad enough hes an addict, but for him to get into legal trouble and face homelessness too, thats a lot of worry on your plate. Hard not to want to help, but in these situations the person has to help themselves first, otherwise all your aid will be wasted.
Thanks, I've offered advice and treatment multiple times. Also suggested therapy for depression and anxiety to help start a new journey of a healthy sober life, which he does want, but the fucking opiates have control because he doesn't want to be dope sick. Kids should outlive their parents. I absolutely hate what this opiate crisis has done to people and now my own kid. Now with the Taliban back in power does that mean less opium being distributed to pharmaceutical companies? So more meth and fentanyl in the streets?
Well if he wants to get clean hes going to have to go through the dope sickness. It doesnt sound like he is very serious about coming off them. When youre that into drugs, you cant see your life without them.