Its 5 am and Im awake. I usually have no trouble sleeping 16-20 hours a day, but lately Ive been up more. I cant fall back asleep right now and Im stuck here with nothing to do. I guess its how it is for me- nothing to do. I have shut off all of my interests and ambitions thanks to my MI. I had to, or else I would be rambling insane nonsense to myself and online.
Im all alone, but that is nothing new- Ive been alone for the last 20 years, dealing with my illness. This time though, I dont have voices in my head running me in circles. Its strange not to have them, and it leaves me feeling like Im not doing anything and should be. The voices keep you company. They add meaning to your world. It means some God or other world creatures are interested in you. If it werent for the Hell that is being surrounded by voices that you cannot control, Id almost rather be delusional at times- it provides meaning and company. But I wont go off my meds to hear them again, I cant. The come down from hallucinating is murder.
It occurred to me today that I have been very suicidal for a long time, and that being in that state is exhausting and painful. You know youre sick when suicide seems like the best solution to your suffering.
Im sitting here its 5 AM and its quiet. Im at peace. I cant imagine having raised kids, or having anyone to answer to. Im comfortable in the emptiness now. Its to the point where I dont want to be with people, I cant handle their words and opinions.
Im going to be alone for the rest of my life. I think about meeting someone romantically, or even as friends, and all I have to say is that I am a schizophrenic, its my life now. Im disabled and have no hobbies or interests. Who wants to befriend that type of person?
Hold up, so because you have schizophrenia you dont think people will be your friend?
I'm sure plenty of people have schizophrenia and have friendships. Likely they are also being treated for it to live a somewhat normal life. My grandfather had schizophrenia. When he wasn't on meds he definitely did some fucked up shit. My aunt (his daughter) took care of him. His other daughter also had schizophrenia. She had a lot of shit happen in her life and used drugs which likely fucked her mind up more. She needed to be in a care home. I wonder about my own son and his use of drugs and what it's doing to his brain. I've advised him many many times through the years to get help. His girlfriend & him have trauma, ptsd, anxiety, depression, paranoia and addiction. This is what I have observed through the years from them. I cant deal with their episodes/dramas. So I always suggest they both get a therapist. The less I engage with them the more stress free and peace I have. Now if your like these 2, yeah you will have a hell of a time in life. And that's not meaning a good time. I assume you arent like those 2. You've sought help for your illness. It's possible you can establish friendships. They manage to have friends (although I wouldn't call many of them friends)
You've been on this forum for what like 9 years? And on the obaord, we can say we are SP forum friends. As for in 3D world (outside of this forum) idk, we've never met so idk if your batshit cray cray or relatively chill and friendly.
You're gonna have to find something you enjoy even if you're not socializing. Then you can talk about that experience. Social media has hindered communication with photo & video uploads and a caption Lol Maybe you'll like photography of nature without humans to speak to. Maybe you can go see a band, write, play guitar or some sort of instrument.
I wish it were as easy to pick up a hobby like people tell me to. My head is full and it doesnt want to do anything, part of the illness. I just want to sit quietly in meditation. I have no desires to do much either. I see through a lot of things so I dont engage.