Im getting stronger. The depression is lessened. I feel that I can endure life now, though I still want to die at times. Im not psychotic or hallucinating at the moment, which is hard to adjust to but its good. I sit in nothingness and its quiet. Im afraid to work though, because any activity could bring back the hallucinations, so I have to sit quietly. Im deathly afraid of going mad again because of how devestating it is. Ive started watching tv but I have little interest in things. At least Im not posting a bunch of random thoughts anymore.
Hey, cold showers should also help a bit for depression. I'm not going to test that theory, but I could see that helping a little. As for random thoughts....do they serve a purpose for you? When looking back on such I'd say they haven't done much good for me when I've done so.
Im exhausted, I have so little strength nowadays. One little depressing thought and my mood is defeated for hours. I dont feel elated at all, ever, and I dont feel joy or happiness anymore. Im going to see about getting on some anti depressents soon.
My mom scrapped her leg and it was getting infected, which is dangerous at her age. That healed but then my dad fell and cracked a vertebre and is in a lot of pain. I think about them a lot and what they will do in their old age taking care of a big house, and I started thinking about how they were going to plow the drive if it snows again. All of this got me to thinking its better to take yourself out of life than to be disabled to where you cant take care of yourself, and I started to have suicidal thoughts and felt really close to making an attempt.
You might think this is silly, but I am so weak now that these things make me suicidal. It was very painful going through it and I finally thought about some friends that are going through hardships and I thought "If they can endure, so can I", and so I laid down and fell asleep. I woke up a couple hours later feeling better, thats when I realized how painful it was to be suicidal. Now I think "How can you get so bad, these arent even your problems". I dont know what to say, I have no control over it. Im only 50 and even though Ive suffered a lot, Im still mobile and relatively healthy, and wont face truly disabling things for another 30 years. I cant believe that I was in so much pain that I thought about taking my life.
Well, I think I am about as well as I am going to get. I still have symptoms but my depression is low and Im not psychotic. I have to remind myself that life is slow and quiet but if I were working it would be loud and fast, and I cant handle that. I still dont have access to a lot of my minds abilities and its hard to sit in nothingness sometimes, but I still dont like to do anything. Its not depression, its the effect of being depressed for so long. Maybe in the Spring things will be different, otherwise I am just sort of waiting to die, but not in an impending doom kind of way; in a life is quiet and then it ends kind of way.
I wonder if people think my problems are small. To some, it may sound trite for me to write about not wanting to do anything, but its the last in a long line of problems Ive had. Its a symptom of my long bought of depression, and it makes life harder. I dont just struggle with depression, I have other issues as well. Im so weak now, after battling this disease for 20 years, that even the smallest thing is large.
Its strange... I dont even know what normal is anymore. I forgot what it was like. Lately Ive had to submit to my illness a lot, a lot of meditative state, a lot of sitting still. I cant reach up with my mind to think, I have to sit in the center of my brain and be quiet. Its not hell, but it is boring. Im glad not to be super sick right now.
Lately I have been having good days. Im not feeling joy or happiness really, but Im not in pain, and the days go by rather smoothly. Now that I feel better I cant believe what Ive been through. Ive become very sensitive to pain and Im very fragile. Today for no reason I found myself in despair. I suppose this happens to everyone, but for me it was very noticeable. Im so exhausted that I immediately turn to thoughts of suicide when things go badly. I honestly worry about my strength because I just cant tolerate much nowadays. What if I were to have something disable me further? What if I got really sick? Would I take my own life? I still pray that I will die, so Im probably depressed. Im going to check for anti depressants next month but I have a feeling that they wont change me much. When things go bad I wind up in bed for days. I cant hold a job in this condition. Im also nearly useless for anything, and my parents need me. I pray nothing serious takes away my mobility or health, and that if it does happen, that it kills me, because I am so tired of being alive. My life isnt hard but I am just so exhausted from my mental struggles that I have no life left. I tell myself people have it worse than me, I tell myself that the unknown questions I have about how I got sick are never going to be answered and I shouldnt let that worry me, and for the most part I have conquered those worries, thankfully. If I keep my thoughts low and stay slow and silent I dont think I will get psychotic again, but you never know, it could happen, especially if I went off my meds, which I wont.
The thing is, Im no used to pain and I dont know if I should be, or if this level of suffering is normal? I know that my mental problems arent normal, but lately Ive been having pain in my head and my body doesnt feel like it wants to do anything. Is this normal for a 50 year old? I feel like Im 80. I dont want to complain and I dont want to think about suicide just from aches and pains that everyone has at this age. Im just so weakened from my struggles that I dont want to suffer any more.