Im feeling more stable, but it comes with a price. Ive defined myself through my suffering and despair, and now I dont know what to do with myself, now that I am not in that state. Ive realized that life is food, shelter, and labor. This is an important realization for me, as I have been caught in fantasy for years. Its quiet now, and Ive finally acclimated to that way of life. I wish I could trust that I wont get sick again, maybe I would start working again. I cant take being sick anymore, but it gives me concrete thoughts to cling to, even though they are miserable ones. Though it is painful to be suicidal, there is something comforting in thinking that it doesnt matter, you could end it all when its gotten to be too much.
Im feeling good lately, though I find that I have little interest in anything. I sleep a lot. Im realizing that I just dont like to do things. Its slow and quiet and dull, but I cant say its boring, because in order to be bored, one must desire to do things, which I dont. I guess this is me now.
I think the worst is behind me. Im tired, and I dont have the want to talk about it anymore. Its gotten better finally. I think I will stop posting because theres not much to say about my illness anymore. Thanks for listening, it felt good to talk about it. I spent 20 years silently abiding, and it was finally time to complain.
Im feeling a lot better. I think I can go back to work. I have to be careful tho because in the past I fall sick again when I feel good. Its almost as if I dont want to feel good because I think theres a curse on me that when I feel good it gets bad again.
Im doing surprising well lately. My psychosis is minimal and my need to retreat to bed is reduced. Id almost say I feel good some days. Still, its difficult to find the will to do things. Its almost easier to be sick.
I have this subtle pain in me. I think it comes from a sadness that is brought on by realizing our mortality. Its not a great pain, but it is always there, and when I find myself not thinking about it, I feel that I need to remind myself of it because otherwise Im not thinking properly. I feel like if I ignore the pain and the sadness that I am failing at being aware.
Im glad to say that the depression is gone now. Im not psychotic either. It is difficult though, because these things have defined me for so long. Im still not normal, I have wires in my head that hold my thoughts back and makes it hard to find joy and love, but I feel safe.
The Buddha was right when he noticed that desire is important. I cant say that desire is suffering, but I can say that when you consume something it never seems satisfying enough, and that was his point; it leads to more desire. I personally like consuming things but lately I dont feel satisfied with any of it. The other side is to not want and to limit consumption, but then.... what? Sit in silence? That isnt very satisfying either. For me, I sit in silence because it is a retreat from the voices in my head that cause me pain, not because I dont want to desire. Sometimes it is a comfort, but a lot of times it is very dull. But dull is better than madness.
I have to sit with my mind centered and not think or reach out with thoughts. I often sit with mouth agape and sit still. I still cant watch television or read. Im not depressed or psychotic, but Im not much of anything, either. Stillness, quiet, and no thought.