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Post by mskied on Jul 14, 2022 5:36:45 GMT -6
In this world there is only desire, and acquiring what we want. Life is about doing and getting, and imagining. I cant do any of these. I am forced to meditate and do nothing. It is a slight pain to be this way, physical pain. I keep telling myself that it is better than being psychotic or depressed. I keep telling myself that life is simple and quiet and that I dont need anything, or need to do anything. Im like a vegetable. I find myself wanting to cry a lot, but I have no tears to cry. I want someone to see my pain and say "I am sorry". I want to sit silently with people and cry. When I get around others I find that I have nothing to say. I find that I want to do nothing. I sleep a lot because my head hurts and because I dont want to just sit here doing nothing. For all my searching I still have no answers. Ignorance is bliss.
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Post by ashima on Jul 15, 2022 3:24:15 GMT -6
Have you had your thyroid tested?
If not, you should.
Hope you feel better soon!
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Post by mskied on Jul 15, 2022 13:11:32 GMT -6
Thank you  |
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Post by mskied on Jul 16, 2022 7:36:10 GMT -6
People probably dont want to believe me when I say God made me sick. They want to believe in a God of benevolence and love, and I dont blame them. Who would want to believe in a God that could be malicious and cruel? The fact is that its pretty foolish to imagine that a God would take interest in someone like me, and do what he has done to me. However, based on the way things went, I believe he did. It could be that it was some demon that did this to me, and not "The Almighty God". Who knows, there may be hundreds of Gods out there.
Im writing this because I want to say it isnt fair. When I heard the God speak to me, it was in response to my call for the power to bring love to the world. I was betrayed. I didnt get that power, and in fact, lost a lot of my ability to feel and be love. If God is the God of love, youd think I would have been helped and not tortured. It isnt fair that I got sick.
It also isnt fair that when I tried to educate myself, the demons terrorized me to the point of madness. Again, if God was kind and loving, this wouldnt have happened to me.
You could say it was Satan, and that shoe does fit. I hate to think that God is malicious, or Evil. Indifferent perhaps, but not Evil. If it was Satan or the Devil, I wonder why he bothered. I was a simple, small, young and uneducated man when the God came to me. A person of not much notice, comparatively. I dont know why this God did this to me. Ive searched high and low and find little to compare to what I went through, though Im sure there are stories worse.
I wish I had just fallen sick, without the interference of this God. Its destroyed my faith in God, and Heaven, and goodness, and love. Ive had to climb out of the depths of doubt and fear to find peace with the idea that God simply does what he wants to do. Mine isnt a God of love, or reason. My God just does what he pleases, and in my case, what pleased him was to be cruel to me.
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Post by ashima on Jul 18, 2022 2:43:03 GMT -6
Stop focusing on the negatives regarding God. Just be kind to yourself & others (but with boundaries) find some joy daily and things/subjects that are interesting for you that dont have your attention on negative aspects of God.
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Post by mskied on Jul 18, 2022 8:30:20 GMT -6
Thank you for your thoughts. It only happens once in awhile that I lament my situation and how it happened, but you are right, I need to focus on something else. Feels good to get it out though.
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Post by mskied on Jul 25, 2022 11:27:01 GMT -6
In the last week I only had one bad day. It was so bad that I thought I would go to my doctor and demand something stronger, like Valium. Then I took some Trazedone and it got better. I feel pretty good except my mood swings because of my thoughts, but its managable. I still dont want to do anything tho.
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Post by mskied on Jul 25, 2022 13:17:29 GMT -6
Im still a bit depressed and I still feel pain but I also feel good, which is new. As long as I sit here I am okay.
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Post by mskied on Jul 25, 2022 17:41:29 GMT -6
Its weird to say I feel good. Im almost afraid to say it in case something bad comes along and ruins it. I dont know what to do with myself. For the past few years Ive simply put myself to bed to avoid being awake.
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Post by mskied on Aug 9, 2022 7:28:18 GMT -6
Im not suffering like I was. I still want to sleep and avoid doing things, but its not because I feel bad, its that its become my way of life. I actually feel really normal lately. Its weird though, because my suffering has defined me for so long that I dont feel like my life has any meaning without it.
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Post by Odin on Aug 13, 2022 13:19:46 GMT -6
Im not suffering like I was. I still want to sleep and avoid doing things, but its not because I feel bad, its that its become my way of life. I actually feel really normal lately. Its weird though, because my suffering has defined me for so long that I dont feel like my life has any meaning without it. I hear you. Can you find....new meaning? The question of what defines our lives is a great one. |
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Post by mskied on Aug 14, 2022 1:22:28 GMT -6
I dont know if its that my life no longer has meaning. I think the meaning that it had was bound to my suffering, and now that I am not suffering, I feel a loss. I dont know if I need meaning to survive. I know that if I dont think about the future or my life, I am fine, no distress except for boredom. I am grateful that I no longer feel like quitting everything (including life, suicidal ideation) but I still dont like to do anything. I just need lots of rest.
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Post by Belteshazzar on Aug 16, 2022 6:22:42 GMT -6
I dont know if its that my life no longer has meaning. I think the meaning that it had was bound to my suffering, and now that I am not suffering, I feel a loss. I dont know if I need meaning to survive. I know that if I dont think about the future or my life, I am fine, no distress except for boredom. I am grateful that I no longer feel like quitting everything (including life, suicidal ideation) but I still dont like to do anything. I just need lots of rest. Rest is valid - especially if you need it. I know you don't feel like doing anything, but....do any hobbies or other worthwhile pursuits interest you? Something that would make you feel meaning and accomplishment. Something to take joy in. |
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Post by mskied on Aug 17, 2022 8:09:44 GMT -6
I have finally finished my comprehension of religion. I have studied what I could of Judaism, Buddhism, Christianity, and Thelema, and have concluded that all are valid. I believe we need Christianity more than anything, because our God does what He desires, and we are not meant to comprehend Him. I believe He is fair and that we all have a place in Heaven. I believe we need Saints to intercede for mercy, I believe Jesus is Holy, I believe we have free will to do what we will, and that we are free to love who we will, how we will, and why we will. I believe that mankind has a lesson to learn about killing, and I think that the liberal Democrats have it right. I pray for us, because my study indicates the end times are upon us, but only God will know that hour. Pray for me as I pray for you, my friends, and find love where you can, Amen.
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Post by mskied on Aug 18, 2022 5:47:20 GMT -6
I dont know if its that my life no longer has meaning. I think the meaning that it had was bound to my suffering, and now that I am not suffering, I feel a loss. I dont know if I need meaning to survive. I know that if I dont think about the future or my life, I am fine, no distress except for boredom. I am grateful that I no longer feel like quitting everything (including life, suicidal ideation) but I still dont like to do anything. I just need lots of rest. Rest is valid - especially if you need it. I know you don't feel like doing anything, but....do any hobbies or other worthwhile pursuits interest you? Something that would make you feel meaning and accomplishment. Something to take joy in. Im not interested in hobbies and I dont have the talent for any. Its okay, I just sit here or sleep. I do play an online game that keeps me busy for short periods. I could probably go back to working part time but then Id lose my housing and if I get sick again, I will need that. Im getting stronger. It sucks when you just want to give up. I also have to stay in this state so I dont get sick again. I dont want to get sick again, its terrifying and the recovery is long and the depression that follows is too painful. Im only 50, I dont know what the rest of my life is going to be like. I tell myself to be calm, that there is nothing that needs to be done, that it is okay that I rest. |
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